Let the ranting commence...

When I rule the world, the first thing I'm going to make illegal is unnecessary noise when eating. This one law will cover a number of different crimes, which I shall hereby attempt to list:

1) Smacking of lips caused by eating with your mouth open.

There is absolutely no excuse for eating with your mouth open. If you have a cold and you are having difficulty breathing through your nose, then just don't eat in public. It is quite possibly the nastiest habit that anybody could ever have. I know people who have no shame at all in claiming that they have brought their children up to have good manners, while sitting there in a restaurant looking like a cow chewing the cud. It is disgusting, and you should stop it right now.

2. Talking when you have a mouth full of food.

This should really be listed as a sub-crime of the above. Sometimes it is difficult when people are making smalltalk and ask you a question while you are eating. If you really have to talk when eating, then at least put your hand over your mouth so we don't have to see exactly what your prawn cocktail has turned into.

3. Rustling of food packets.

I appreciate that this one may be peculiar to me, but if I'm ruling the world in a totalatarian fashion, then I can outlaw it if I want to. (So there.) I'm not sure at what point in my life the rustling of crisp packets started to make my teeth itch. Out of politeness, I normally won't say anything. However, it has been known for me to suddenly explode after a certain period of time sat rocking with my hands over my ears, and to grab the offending crisp packet out of somebody's hand and split it down the side. Therefore, access to crisps is easier and crisps can be extracted without one's hands having to touch the crisp packet at all. I suspect that this particular neurosis has something to do with the greasiness inside a crisp packet, which then transfers itself to the eater's hands, where it remains until they touch something of mine and get that greasy etc etc. Or something like that anyway.

4. Doing all of the above on a bus.

There is a young man who gets on my bus to travel to work. I suspect that his employers get something out of the government for keeping him in gainful employment, as he seems to be on an intellectual par with Mickey-love from the League of Gentlemen. At approximately 8.15 in the morning he starts to eat his breakfast on the bus. (I'm not sure why he can't eat breakfast at home, as he obviously doesn't spend his time in the morning having a shower.) Breakfast usually consists of at least two of the following items 1) a Kingsize bar of chocolate 2) a sausage roll/pasty 3) a packet of strong flavoured crisps e.g. beef or chilli. Not only does he then proceed to eat these items at an agonisingly slow rate, but while committing all of the above crimes. And needing a good wash. The only reason he is still alive is because my PMS takes the weeping buckets at X Factor route, rather than the throwing plates without being at a Greek wedding route.

I am considering offering him as a candidate for an ASBO though, as surely these are the kind of anti-social crimes they were originally intended for....