Things I shouldn't be doing in work (Part 1)

Listing my favourite Excel functions:

CHIINV – Returns the inverse of the one-tailed probability of the chi-squared distribution. (i.e. calculates exactly how many acupuncture needles need to be stuck into delicate parts of you, depending on what Chinese zodiac sign you were born under)

CHITEST – Returns the test for independence : the value of the chi-squared distribution for the statistic and the appropriate degrees of freedom (i.e. calculates how much your ex’s maintenance payments should be)

CLEAN – Removes all nonprintable characters from text (i.e. calculates your relation to the IT department divided by your ability to get rude words through your company’s email filter)

CONFIDENCE – Returns the confidence interval for a population mean (i.e. calculates how many people within a particular region would consider speed-dating)

COUNTBLANK – Counts empty cells in a specified range of cells (used in fertility testing)

DGET – Extracts from a database a single record that matches the conditions you specify (used in the building of internet dating websites)

DSTDEV – Estimates the standard deviation based on a sample from selected database entries (i.e. calculates the likelihood of your husband wearing your underwear when you’re not at home)

FIND – Finds one text string within another text string and returns the number of the starting position of the found string (which is never where you thought you’d left it)

FISHER – Returns the Fisher transformation (which charts the rise from Home and Away starlet to Hollywood D-list bit-parter)

FTEST – Returns the result of an F-test: the one-tailed probability that the variances in Array1 and Array2 are not significantly different (i.e. calculates the number of swear words used in an argument where Array1 is “Barley White” and Array2 is “Natural Hessian”)

SKEW – Returns the skewness of a distribution: a characterization of the degree of asymmetry of a distribution around its mean (i.e. the amount your figures are out because of management giving cheap deals to people their brother met in a bar once.)

As you were...