Puppies

Not the yapping, furry, drooling, nibble-at-your-ankle kind, but the jiggling, give-you-two-black-eyes-if-you-run-for-a-bus kind.

As I am apprantly rather sensitive to the hormones flooding my body, various medical attempts have been made to balance them out a bit. Now the vast majority of the time, I am a "more than a handfull's a waste" 34C. However, the last experiment to get my hormones on the straight and narrow resulted in me temporarily going up to a 34D. I was quite proud of what I now regarded as a heaving bosom. (However, as their emergence had coincided with a fortnight's holiday in Spain, there were rumours at work that I had been away to have plastic surgery.) When the experiment was abandoned after I suffered a three day long migraine, they eventually deflated back to their original size.

The current experiment, combined with my diet holiday, has meant that my bras were making me appear to have four breasts, and once or twice I nearly had what I believe is now called a "wardrobe malfunction". The tape measure came out, and I worked out that I was somewhere between a 36B and a 36C. M&S kindly confirmed that for me this afternoon. Determined that I had to go home with at least some form of structural engineering, I have spent this afternoon trawling the high street for a bra that fits, which meant taking everything into the changing rooms in two sizes to see which fitted better. Nothing in M&S appealed, and Debenham's appeared to have virtually no stock on the racks at all. I found an attractive set of two bras in Next. I went into the changing rooms, took off my top and bra, then swore loudly, redressed and stormed out.

- "Were they OK for you?"
- "Not really seeing as they are tagged together."

I delivered a very withering look and flounced out. If I could have slammed the shop door I would have done. By the time I got to Contessa I was literally weeping tears of frustration. The sales assistant treated me, understandably, with kid gloves. We tried the 36B's and 36C's that the tape measure said I was but got no joy. We decided to just go with trying various sizes and styles until we found one that did what it was supposed to, that is, be comfortable, supportive and cradle everything they're supposed to with no chance of anything escaping. I eventually left with one bra, and will be purchasing another after they get their next delivery in on Thursday. I will also be adding sales assistant to my Christmas card list.

I am now the proud owner of a black bra, size 34DD. I feel like Hattie Jacques.