What I should have posted for Halloween if I'd have got my arse in gear

I am woken at 5.40 am by the annoying Big Ben style chimes of our doorbell. If you live in a quiet cul de sac where you are mostly surrounded by pensioners, being woken by your doorbell at 5.40am in the middle of the week is fucking scary. If it had happened at my old flat, I would have put it down to one of the neighbours forgetting their key and would have just ignored it and gone back to sleep. But in this house....

Although I was the most awake, Duck had to be the one to get dressed and answer the door because, being hormonal, I was neither physically, mentally or emotionally fit to be able to cope with whoever was ringing my doorbell at that time of the morning because whatever it was, it was going to be related to the death or serious injury of a loved one, because at 5.40am, no other option can possibly enter your mind.

There was no-one there. The battery just needed replacing in the doorbell.