That's Ms Surly to you

As Surly is currently having a blogging break to sort out her lovely new home in preparation for the inevitable OK magazine spread, I feel myself presented with the perfect opportunity to talk about her behind her back.

Surly and I met when we both started work at our present employers within the Customer Services department, in September 2002. It was intended that Surly was to be my superior, and that I was to be the “Assistant” to her “Executive” but that never really worked for me so I just disregarded it. As we sat diagonally opposite each other and with two PCs in between, we didn’t really get to know each other until we both started attending the ladies only gym next to where we worked (sadly no longer there.) It was at the gym that we discovered that not only did we share a mutual shame of being the people at the gym from our company who actually looked like they needed to be there, but that we shared a mutual loathing of most of our acquaintances as well. And thus an alliance was born.

We’ve had our moments since. There’s been the odd business trip abroad that we’ve wrangled together. The night we decided to drink the bottles of homemade sloe gin and vodka given to us by our head of department at Christmas (with what I believe they call “hilarious results”). The socks posted through letterboxes. The firework displays. The fights over taxis at company balls. The suicidal barmen. The voices coming from the walls. The tattoos. The biographies. The helicopter video. Small Person’s 4th birthday party.

There’s also been the nights of drunken tears when I’ve revealed my deepest darkest secrets, and Surly hasn’t judged me on them, and has continued to reassure me that I am Normal. There has also been the break-up of Surly’s marriage, which I can assure you as a witness to that marriage, I feel pretty safe to say was A Good Thing, even if it didn’t always feel like that at the time when the Ex was being his usual charming self.

And now she’s moved into her Lovely New Home™ and is starting a whole new life with Other Half, who I know makes Surly and SP happy, because after the Ex, if he didn’t make them happy I can assure you I’d kick his arse*.

So please can I ask you to raise your glass** and join me in a toast to Surly and her future happiness.

You’re a good friend.*** God bless all who sail in you.


*For “kick his arse” please see “rearrange the items on his desk”. I know how to hurt him.

**Don’t pretend as if there’s not a large gin and gin on the table next to you. I know my readership.

***Having said that, she hasn’t given me her new address and phone number yet…

Jetlag

I'm back then.

I was going to do a nice post about the fact that my tan is already falling off, and how I'm having to use cocoa butter body butter to glue bits of my tan back on, and how I've put 5lb in weight back on and I'm dreading the car crash that my desk and email inbox will be when I return to work on Monday etc etc but as stat counter and my comments show that nobody missed me at all I shan't.

Instead I am going to have a hissy fit and tell you that over the last couple of weeks I have visited some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, walked through lush rainforest and stood in a caldera surrounded by hot springs. I have seen enough dolphins and flying fish to be able to say "Oh, look - flying fish" with an impressive combination of sarcasm and ennui.

I've discovered that, contrary to my previous convictions, a spanish omelette baguette is not the world's best hangover cure. Instead that honour (previously held by cheesy Wotsits and chocolate buttons) goes to the humble potato roti, combining as it does pancake, potato and most importantly, curry.

I have also surprised myself today, because having gone against the laws of fighting jetlag and had a couple of hours sleep when I got home yesterday morning I fully expected to be wide awake at 4.30 this morning. Instead Duck and I slept for a full 13 hours last night, only being woken because his mum phoned. You don't normally get the tsetse fly in the Caribbean do you?

Anyway, I've had a bloody fantastic holiday, an experience which has been enhanced by the shitty weather in Britain while I've been away. Only 16 weeks to go to the next one...

Cheers.

Buggering off...

Right, I'm off to the Caribbean for a fortnight now. I shall be drinking too many Long Beach Iced Teas and putting back on all the weight I've lost.

If someone can see to watering the plants, putting the wheelie bin out on Friday morning (it's the blue one this week) and doing the final coat of paint in the box room that would be marvellous.* If you can keep an eye on Surly while I'm gone as well please and just reassure her that she won't disappear down the plughole or anything. Cheers.

Back on the 18th.

*There's a ropey palm tree fridge magnet in it for you...